There’s No Cake! On Locus of Control and Self-Pity

I remember a six(ish) month stretch in my early twenties when I felt sorry for myself. I had a job with long hours and occasional travel to remote parts of Nebraska, doing work I hated. I was trying to find answers for stomach issues, which scared me. A breakup with a girl was difficult to navigate, partially due to the fact that she and I were frequently in the same place and had mutual friends - it was uncomfortable, to say the least. 

Often during this time, I wallowed in self-pity. It was easy to be consumed by it all, and I wasn’t good at distracting myself. While in hindsight I’m grateful for the lessons learned from these experiences, self-pity was my default setting at the time.

A couple of years later - unrelated to my circumstances - a mentor said something I’ll never forget: “A pity party is the worst kind of party. No one shows up, and there’s no cake!”

Self-pity is an easy state to descend to when things are not the way we want them to be. In hindsight, I try to give my early twenties self some grace for responding in that way. Knowing the context for someone’s difficulties can make it easier to empathize, even if that person doesn’t respond in the healthiest way. We cope the best way we can when we often don’t know the best way to cope.

If I could give advice to Pity Party Me, I would tell him to read up on the concept of locus of control, and shift the mindset from a helpless, externally-oriented locus of control to an internal one. Generally speaking, those with an internal locus of control tend to think they are in charge of outcomes, good or bad, while those with an external locus believe circumstances are largely outside of their control. 

Perhaps knowledge of locus of control would have helped Pity Party Me (and perhaps not!). While it’s not easy to change one’s way of thinking, especially in trying times, it is something that’s amenable to change. Instead of throwing a pity party and wondering why things happen to me, I can re-frame to a mindset of, “What can I do to respond? How can I change this?”

Locus of control is the subject of much research. An internal locus is helpful in general, and with finances:

-McClelland et al, in a 1976 paper found that an internal locus of control is generally associated with better outcomes and higher levels of motivation. Those with an internal locus are ‘driven to excel, strive for improvement, and pursue high-standards.’ (source)

-’..internal LOC has been found to be associated with higher income and wealth’ (Klontz, Seay, Sullivan, & Canale 2014; Klontz, Sullivan, Seay & Canale, 2015; Zagorsky, 2007) (same source as above)

-Perry & Morris (2005) show that “individuals with an internal locus of control believe they have more capacity to manage their finances by controlling spending, paying their bills on time, planning for the future, and saving. Our results indicate that these beliefs may also translate into savings behavior that leads to very real gains in economic well-being.” [source]

-Taylor et al. found that an internal reference is linked with higher income and wealth. 

-Britt et al. (referenced in the Taylor paper above) found a higher instance of money disorders in college students with an external reference. 

-The ‘Locus of Control and Savings’ paper found higher savings in absolute dollars and as a percentage of income for those with an internal locus of control, across low to high levels of income. And while poverty might undermine the ability to exercise self-control, ‘whatever self-control poor household possess is particularly important in understanding their economic well-being.’

How much is actually in my control?

Brian Portnoy’s book “The Geometry of Wealth” cites research by Sonja Lyubomirsky on how much of human fulfillment is in our control. Lyubomirsky finds that 50% of fulfillment comes from our disposition (the “nature” part of the nature vs. nurture question - genetic defaults, so to speak), 40% from intention (conscious decision-making and deliberate action), and 10% from circumstance (happenings outside of our control, things that happen to us). 

So, approximately 40% of human fulfillment is directly within our control. And as Portnoy argues, one could choose to let his/her disposition have a small to large impact on fulfillment (I’m oversimplifying here, to be sure). One way or another, 90% of human fulfillment comes from within, and just 10% from circumstances beyond our control. It’s a fascinating idea, and while research shouldn’t be accepted as fact, full stop, Lyubomirsky’s findings offer encouragement for those who want to improve their circumstances.

Overall, an internal locus of control is better for our well being, even if our belief that we’re in control of outcomes isn’t 100% true. An internal locus of control can help our minds make sense of the world and decrease the anxiety that accompanies uncertainty. 

How to help/develop/automate an internal locus of control - a few ideas

-Cobb-Clark et al (cited previously) note research by Richard Thaler arguing that “households find it easier to maintain self-control if they allocate wealth to assets with lower degrees of temptation and regard the various components of their wealth as non-fungible.” Opening up an IRA through, say, Vanguard or Betterment, and literally naming it “Retirement Account” might make it easier to exercise financial self-control. Using different checking/savings/investing accounts for different goals is a relatively easy way to automate the process. (This concept is called ‘mental accounting,’ a term and idea developed by Thaler.) I love Ally Bank for this reason (no affiliate links here - this is what I actually use for a savings account). You can create various buckets and label them (e.g., emergency, vacation, car, etc.) within the same savings account, and set up automatic allocations to those buckets. And Ally pays decent interest (1.6% as of February 2020) with no account minimums. I have yet to find a better bank savings account.

-An envelope system for cash (popularized by Dave Ramsey). Envelopes for various expenses are filled with cash, say, at the beginning of the month, and once the envelope is depleted, it’s depleted until next month.

-Ditch the credit card. Credit cards are so easy to swipe and forget, and the balance rises in a hurry. While I don’t necessarily recommend shutting off all access to credit (i.e., cut up the card, but keep the account itself open), this can be a way to make self-control easier.

-Change the inner dialogue. This can help immensely in developing an internal locus of control. When I started asking “What can I do about this” or “How do I want to respond,” Pity Party Me started to shrink. It took time, but eventually the thoughts led to action. And though I didn’t feel like taking action, the more I started re-framing my thinking, the easier it was to make steps in the right direction. Don’t wait until you feel like changing; take positive action first and the positive feeling will often follow.

-Go for a walk. When Pity Party Me tried to take over, I went for a walk. I allowed myself to feel angry (or whatever I was feeling), and then I would talk to myself to change that inner dialogue. A good walk is still my go-to when my mind is cluttered. (Also good: all other exercise.)

-Talk to a friend or therapist. Both are more objective and will help find holes in your thinking. A therapist, of course, is trained to help you help yourself. The cost can be difficult, but a question I found helpful was: “How much would I pay to reduce this problem, even by 20%?” The answer is often higher than what you’ll pay a therapist.

Dan van Voorhis and Jeff Mallinson, hosts of the Virtue in the Wasteland podcast (a personal favorite), once recommended that if you want something to be different to make an internal change before making an external one, to consider how you’re approaching the circumstances and shift your thinking before making a big change (like quitting a job). While all of this is much, much easier said than done, we shouldn’t be resigned to accept reality if we want something better for ourselves. Change isn’t easy, but some of it is in our control, and that’s worth celebrating - perhaps with some cake.

Postscript: Charlie Munger on self-pity:

‘Generally speaking, envy, resentment, revenge and self-pity are disastrous modes of thought. Self-pity can get pretty close to paranoia. And paranoia is one of the very hardest things to reverse. You do not want to drift into self-pity. I had a friend who carried a thick stack of linen-based cards. And when somebody would make a comment that reflected self-pity, he would slowly and portentously pull out his huge stack of cards, take the top one and hand it to the person. The card said, “Your story has touched my heart. Never have I heard of anyone with as many misfortunes as you.” Well, you can say that’s waggery, but I suggest it can be mental hygiene. Every time you find you’re drifting into self-pity, whatever the cause, even if your child is dying of cancer, self-pity is not going to help. Just give yourself one of my friend’s cards. Self-pity is always counterproductive. It’s the wrong way to think. And when you avoid it, you get a great advantage over everybody else, or almost everybody else, because self-pity is a standard response. And you can train yourself out of it.’ –USC Gould School of Law Commencement Address, Poor Charlie’s Almanack